Personality Connect

In recent years, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman has become quite a craze. It has helped many people identify which ways they prefer to be shown love. It is so popular many couples will ask in the beginning of a new relationship what their love language entails. Although the five love languages have improved people’s relationships with each other, it hasn’t solved everyone’s relationship issues and love problems. (You can take the test here on his website: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/)

For example, an understandable assumption for feeler-types would be their love language is physical touch because they enjoy being affectionate but this is not the case for all feelers. Although feelers enjoy physical touch, it’s not typically their primary love language. Quality time and words of affirmation are often expressed among high feeler types. This is because spending (quality) time with them is how they “feel” loved whereas giving them an embrace or other form of touch is a non-verbal action that doesn’t have as much weight as verbal communication. Again, this is not to say a feeler won’t have physical touch as a preferred love language, it’s usually not the first in the lineup. Feelers need to feel emotionally connected to their loved ones otherwise they don’t really feel loved. “Thinker-types” on the other hand often enjoy physical touch as one of their top love languages because it doesn’t require them to engage in verbal expression and to them it’s a tangible way of expressing “love”.

The difference with a “thinker-type” and their top love language being quality time such as watching a movie together or going to a concert may count towards spending quality time together but looks very different than a “feeler-type”. They (feelers) have a stronger desire to connect emotionally and therefore prefer more interactive, personal activities rather than sitting together watching t.v. or attending a sports event.

Another factor that could skew results goes back to childhood environment and trauma. If children grew up without any type of physical touch then they may not associate physical touch with feeling loved, regardless of personality preference/type. Likewise if a child was raised by a rewards-based system they may associate receiving gifts as their primary love language.

If you’ve taken the test and identified your primary love language, think about all the factors that could’ve influenced that preference and how it ties into your relationships as an adult today. If you have children, identify their love language (also on the five love languages website) and think about how you can nurture your child’s primary language. If you’re married or in a relationship try to look at the similarities and differences with your partner’s love language(s) and how you can improve the relationship.

More food for thought and material for follow-up posts: How single vs. in-a-relationship test results can be different and the expectations we have for our romantic relationships vs. regular friendships and family members.